- Thank you for calling Hesner’s T. Towing. How may I help you?
- I just picked up my ’92 Accord from your lot, and there is a huge turd in the back seat.
-A huge turd?
-Yes.
- And there’s…there’s what in the back seat?
- A..a.. turd. A piece of..a big-assed human turd in the back seat of my car.
- Ma’am I assure you our guys do not take a dump in your car. If you want to bring that car back and we’ll take a look at it.
- You..oh you wanna take a look at it? My car is fine, it’s that big-assed turd in the back seat.
- Okay, what would you like me to do?
- I ...Okay, how about I go over to your house and piss a loaf on your couch? How about that?
- Ma’am, what would you like me to do to fix the situation?
- I want somebody to come over here, get this turd off my back seat…
- That’s not going to happen.
- …leave….my car…What do ya mean ‘that’s not going to happen’?
- You can bring the car here and we can take a look at it.
- I am. I’m gonna bring it back there, you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna take a dump in every last car you got there. I’m gonna pee on your counter. I’m gonna do it all.
- Okay ma’am.
- Show you how it feels.
- Okay ma’am.
- Y’know what? You sound like a big burly man, it probably came out your ass.
- Oh..yeah..I…I…I don’t make it a habit of going out and taking a dump in the car.
- How much do you weigh?
- Er..about four hundred pounds.
- That’s your turd. That’s your…
- That’s my turd huh?
- Yes
- It came from a four hundred pound man, huh?
- That’s from a four hundred pound man. Either that or a gorilla. I’m driving this car right to my lawyer’s office, and I’m gonna let the whole world see…you gonna be on the news this evening buddy. I’m gonna get Seven on my side, watch. You gonna be on the news.
- Can you describe the…the…the I mean, what does it look like?
- You know what it is, it came out your ass. What the hell is…what kind a..asking me what color. I tell you what, it smells ungodly, that’s what it smells like. It smells like you sold your ass to the devil…that came from the pits of hell.
- Well, how big is it? How long is it?
- It’s about as long as my arm. I don’t think it’s fun….why y’all…this is not funny. I got a damn two by four in my back seat. Y’know I think…I think this is a racial shit too. That’s what this is…uh-huh. Little kids are running away from it.
I’m glad y’all find this funny.
- Ha…ha…Okay
- Er…wha…you probably piss on the steering wheels too, don’t you?
- Alright, alright. How…how long does it look like it’s been sitting there?
- Steam is coming off of it, Okay?
- Ste…steam is coming off of it?
- Yes.
- I am taking…this..it’s a fresh turd.
- Okay. What you need to do is you need to bring that turd back, and we’ll match it up, we have a line up, we’ll match it up with the..er..with the other turds that we have.
- Well what you need to do is learn how to use a toilet.
- Are you saying that you’re not gonna bring the turd back to me?
- No. You know what?
- Just a sample?
- No. I’m starting to like it.
- You gonna keep it as a pet?
- I gonna keep it, ‘cos it’s a nice lo….you know what? It’s a nice conversation piece.
- Okay, cool.
- Okay?

Vocabulario

picked up = recoger, buscar
lot = aparcamiento, estacionamiento
turd = cagalln, zurullo, mierda
take a dump = 'cagar'
couch = sof
fix the situation = solucionar el problema
to pee = 'mear'
counter = mostrador
burly = fornido, membrudo
ungodly = impo, no religioso, atroz
pits of hell = lo ms profundo del infierno
match it up = agrupar
line up = alinear, poner en fila